Anxiety

To be anxious or not? There really is no question.

When I was first diagnosed with depression, I was also diagnosed with a moderate anxiety disorder.  When I think of people with anxiety disorders I think of people that have panic attacks, so just like I did with the depression, I assumed that because I wasn't having panic attacks then I must not be having anxiety anymore...and just like the depression...this was a false belief.  Normally I would think that realizing I still have depression and an anxiety disorder would make me feel worse but in all actuality, it has made me feel better.  Being able to identify what are symptoms of a sickness and not just me being a "freak " has brought me  comfort and peace of mind.  A burden has been relieved now that I know that I am not a "freak" and that there are others out there like me. 

My eyes were opened to the fact that I still have anxiety the last couple of days.  Let me start by saying that the friend in this situation is in no way at fault for the way I am feeling. I am actually kinda grateful that things went the way they did because I was able to see just exactly where my anxiety lies and how I am handling it (or rather, not handling it). I know that this friend will be reading this and I just want to reassure you that I love you and you are not at fault in this!  It has all worked out for the best and I am grateful that it did.

Anyway, so I have a friend, lets just call her, Anna.  So Anna and I met through church and we have been hanging out alot for the past few months.  She has the most amazing children and I love them like my own. 

Anyway, on Saturday she said something to me along the lines of "we need to talk, things are going to need to change because I am starting to go to school again".   This is where the anxiety kicked in.

Between the anxiety and the depressive symptoms the last 2 days have been something of a nightmare.

After she told me we needed to talk, she said she was having quiet time with her kids so she would email me later.  In kicks the anxiety.  Fidgeting, pacing, checking my email every 2 minutes and picking at my cuticles.  Picking at my cuticles seems to be my worst nervous habit that comes from anxiety.  Sometimes I don't even realize I am doing it until I am hurt and bleeding.  Then the anxiety feeds into the ADD and I can't concentrate on anything.  For example, I have been trying to write this for an hour and a half now.

Anna hasn't talked to me yet. She sent me a text message yesterday apologizing for not getting back to me, she has just been busy. Which is to be expected. She has 2 small children, a calling, church, and family time on the Sabbath.  So she was in no way wrong for not getting back to me, I was just allowing myself to get overly anxious and nervous about it.

I found that my anxiety had me being short tempered with my children, which in turn made me feel bad, which fed into the depression and negative thinking that I was a bad parent, which fed into I am not a good person or Mormon, I don't deserve the children Heavenly Father entrusted me with.  When I finally realized that I had allowed a simple "We need to talk" into this huge mess I began to realize that maybe I wasn't as mentally sound as I had thought.  Rationally thinking I know that a friend wanting to talk to me does not equal I am a horrible person and I don't deserve my children. I know that that isn't true. I know that it is silly to think that but at the same time I realize my brain doesn't always think the same as me. Does that make sense?  My brain misfires and I get the wrong message, many times I am able to catch the misfire and self correct myself but other times I don't catch it until it is too late and I have already done emotional or physical damage to myself.  I will pick at my cuticles or fingernails or toenails.

So last night after a day of anxiety, frustration and negative thinking, I finally decided to try and let it go.  The problem? I couldn't...I couldn't physically remove it from my mind.  It was eating away at me.  So I sent Anna a text message asking if she was still up around 10pm.  She didn't answer. So I decided to say my prayers and go to bed. I laid in bed tossing and turning for 2 hours. I finally got up, had a snack and read for a little bit in an attempt to slow my brain and get to sleep. Eventually sleep came around 1:30. 

This morning around 7:30 she texted me back saying she was sorry but she was already in bed last night when I texted her.  I decided right then and there that I wasn't going to let this get to me all day again.  But that has been alot easier said than done. I have been trying to stay busy and keep my mind somewhere else.  I was doing a fairly well until I noticed that I was getting short tempered again.  I had to put the kids in Ashlynn's room with a movie and I am watching a little tv trying to relax.

Anyway, in conclusion I have realized that I really am not as in control as I thought and I am going to do some more research on better ways to handle it all. Thanks for reading and I appreciate all your positive comments and support!