:-(

This is a flower that Kyle gave me on Ashlynn's 4th birthday. I posted it because I feel like every blog should have a picture!

So, it has been a very interesting morning in my house.  We once again didn't make it to church. All though I started out this morning bright and early at 6:15 with a shower it just didn't seem to want to work out.  I took a shower, got out, ate breakfast, got dressed and watched the news for about 15 minutes until it was time to get the kids up.  At 7 I got the kids up and it was not a pretty picture. Neither kid was happy that I was waking them up at the crack of dawn. There was much whining and fussing for the 10 minutes it took me to get them to the breakfast table.  Breakfast was a disaster in itself. I scrambled some eggs for the kids, put them at the table and went to blow dry my hair. 5 minutes later I returned to no Ashlynn and scrambled eggs all over my dining room.  I went in search for Ashlynn and found her back in bed.  I gently woke her up and told her we had to get ready for church to which she responded by screaming "NO I'M TOO TIRED" and tried to smack me.   I calmly told her she could sleep for 10 more minutes while I got Konner ready but then it was her turn to get ready.  After I got Konner dressed I went back to get Ashlynn, only she wasn't in her bed.  I spent 5 minutes looking around for her calling her name before I began to panic. I eventually found her sleeping on the couch in the storage room in the basement!  When I picked her up she proceeded to throw a full blown tantrum.  Kicking, screaming and hitting.  I told her she needed to calm down and we were going to get ready for church.  I sat her on her bed to get her dress and when I turned around she was gone.  I chased her up the stairs and she ran into my bedroom, grabbed the toothpaste off the counter in my bathroom and squirted it all over the toilet lid.  REALLY?  What was supposed to be simply getting dresses had turned into a nightmare, and it was only getting worse. Eventually I just broke down and cried. I gave up and decided that we just weren't going to make it to church today.

I feel bad that we didn't go because I have a calling. When things like this happen I have no control over it nor do I have time to find a sub for my primary class.  I hate feeling like I am burdening someone else with what is my duty.  I have been thinking about it and praying about it for a while but I think it is time to ask the Bishop to be released from my calling, atleast until Kyle gets home.  I would prefer to not have a calling then too though. With trying to decide whether or not I should go to the temple I feel like I need to be in Sunday School and Relief Society.  I love my calling and I love the girls in my class but I feel like this is more than I can handle right now. Please don't judge me for not wanting my calling right now. I know that it is a blessing and that I am lucky to have those girls in my life but right now I have so much on my plate I don't think that I am doing right by the girls by half heartedly fufilling my calling. 

I was feeling really upset and depressed about not making it church today. I was angry at myself for not being able to make it to church but thanks to my friend Mynnette, I am feeling much better.  I know that Heavenly Father knows what is in my heart. He knows that I wanted to be at church this morning but my family comes first and home was where I needed to be today.  I know that Heavenly Father isn't judging me for my physical placement on Sunday morning. I am still honoring the Sabbath, I am giving my kids a scripture lesson today as well as doing a service project at the nursing home across the street (if after a nap Ashlynn's behavior has improved).  I have said my prayers this morning and spent some time in the scriptures and I am sure I will get another hour in later while the kids nap.  I am so grateful that I have a loving Heavenly Father that understands exactly how I am feeling and where I am coming from. I am so grateful that I have such great friends and support here.  Being alone is hard but I know that this too shall pass and I am actually finding myself able to be optomistic about what will happen next.  Yes this chapter in my life has kinda sucked, we have had illness after illness, stress and anxiety, sick animals and broken cars but I know that once this passes the new season will arrive and hopefully it is like Spring. New beginnings. New life. Renewal of my Spiritual health. 

I know it is a struggle but even though I am at the end of my rope, I have tied a knot and I am hanging on for dear life.  Things will get better, things will change and  I will be happy again.