I'm not alone...

So, as many of you know, I have struggled with depression on and off ever since the birth of my first child a little over 5 years ago.  I have been treated several times with different types of anti-depressants and ADD meds.  I am currently going on 10 months with no anti-depressents. I like to think that since I am not taking meds and I can get out of bed then I must not be depressed anymore.  However, a few days ago I came across a blog called "depressed (not unhappy) Mormon Mommy" (http://butnotunhappy.blogspot.com/) and I have begun to realize that my depression may never fully go away.  I was worried that since I wasn't "sad" all the time but sometimes I would have negative thoughts, that there was something wrong with me. I thought I was a wierdo and that no one could possibly understand how I was feeling or what I was thinking.  But this woman and I have so much in common it is crazy. Thanks to her blog I have also been connected to several other websites and blogs that deal with depression, woman with depression and LDS woman with depression. 

I am so relieved to find these resources. It is amazing to not feel like I am a freak and that there are people who understand me.  There are peope who have the same struggles as me. There are people who have learned ways to cope with some aspects of depression.

People in general have this idea of what depression looks like. It is a person that is sad and mopey all the time, probably doesn't take care of them selves and maybe sleeps alot and doesn't want to talk to people. Well, yes, some depressed people meet that criteria but then there are people like me and the other not unhappy depressed mommy.  I am not sad all the time, I can laugh and play with my kids, I can do something I enjoy and have fun, I can excercise without feeling like I have lead feet.  But I still have problems with depression. I still have negative thoughts. I still question my self worth daily, I question wether or not I am a good mother and wife, a good person, a good Mormon?  I struggle with feeling like I don't have enough faith to get me through this.

I was once told by someone that if I was truely converted to the church and had true faith in Christ and the Atonement then I could just will myself to be better...

but that isn't how it works.

Yes having faith and understanding the atonement will go a long way in this struggle but it can't make it disappear.  I don't think anything will ever make it fully disappear but I know that there are ways to cope with it and to get on with my life. I have Major Depressive Diorder and that will never change but I AM capable of being happy, it is just harder for me than it is for people without depression. 

I guess you are wondering why I am sharing this with you today. Well, I am sharing this because I have decided to become more open and honest with myself and my friends as I navigate my way through my husband's deployment, a new year, deciding wether or not to go to the temple, and wether or not to start going to therapy again. I have been referred by my Bishop to an LDS counselor that has a private practice here in Wichita. I am trying to  get a referral to meet with her at least once so I can see where I am at and what I can work on. I am hoping that by using this blog as a journal I will be able to help heal my depression and hopefully I can help someone out there that is going through the same things I am.

Thank you all for reading this and for your support. I love you all and I appreciate and value your friendships more than I could ever express in words.