Why is it that people feel the need to tear other people down instead of lift them up????
You don't have to agree with my faith. You don't have to agree with what I'm saying. You don't have to agree with the way I am feeling. You also don't have to tear me down EVERY SINGLE TIME I START TO GET HAPPY!!!!
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Why do people think that if they aren't happy they have to make sure no one else is? Why can't they see that I am happy and ask me how I got that happy? Maybe I could help them be that happy too.
PLEASE don't just tell me what you think I want to hear, to make me happy in the moment and give me hope, just to turn around and say f*** it and tear me down later. You don't have to believe in my church. You don't have to believe in the priesthood. You don't have to believe in reading scriptures or saying prayers. I am not forcing you to believe that. Why when you can see that I am clearly happier than I have been in a VERY long time do you feel the need to tell me that I don't need my church. I don't need to have home teachers. I don't need to believe in the priesthood to be happy. I don't need to believe in anything to be happy.
Most of all, don't tell me that you are willing to try and find Christ and then tell me that you don't need faith or a foundation because you are perfectly happy being who you are right now.
If that is true then good for you but I'm not happy living like this. I was taking the steps to be happy and I was actually happy so why would you want to take that away from me? Why would you want to make me unhappy because you don't want to be happy?
I put my heart out on the line and put myself in a very vulnerable place because you said you wanted to be happy too but instead of even trying, instead of even trying for more than 3 days, you stomped all over it so I would be as unhappy as you are.
Plus you did all this after I covered up for you with other people. I lied to people I care about to protect you because I thought this is what you wanted too. To be happy. But I guess I was wrong.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
My heart is breaking. I went from being happier than I have been in years to the lowest I have felt in years, in a matter of one conversation.
I wasn't lost for the first time in years, I had found the rod and was holding tight. I was happy and was trying to show you where it was but instead of letting me lift you up and show you the way, you tore me down so I could be just as unhappy as you.
I can't do this anymore...ever again. This is your last chance. If you don't want to be happy then that is on you, but I refuse to let you make me unhappy so you can pretend that you are actually happy. I refuse to let my children watch me suffer any longer. I don't want them to grow up thinking they can't be happy or that they don't deserve to be happy because they aren't perfect.
They don't have to be perfect and neither do I. My savior Jesus Christ was perfect for me. He was so perfect that he gave his life so I could be happy. He gave his life so that YOU could be happy. If you don't want to see that then I am so sorry. I will be praying for you. I am choosing to lean on my savior to be happy. I am choosing to rely on my Heavenly Father to be happy. If you don't want to do that then fine. But I refuse to let you stop me from doing it.
Even though you don't think you need them and you don't love them back, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you more than you could ever imagine. Their hearts are breaking too. Their hearts are breaking because they don't want to see you unhappy either. Just like my heart is breaking to see you so unhappy.
I can't make you be happy. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ can't force you to be happy either. They loved us so much they gave us free will so that we could choose whether to be happy or not. So that we could make mistakes and learn from them and grow and progress. Just like I allow Ashlynn to make some mistakes and then I show her how to learn from them.
So this is your last chance. You need to decide if you really want to be happy or not. If you decide that you already are happy then good for you and move on but don't make me regret trusting you again. Don't make me regret wanting you to be happy. I am trying my hardest to make you happy and show you how you can be happy but if you aren't willing to listen and try to be happy and you have already made up your mind then tell me now because I can't make become unhappy so you can pretend that you are really happy.
Okay, so what was wrong with the commenting thing?! Anyway, I've always believed that happiness is a choice--we have the power to choose if we're happy or not. Luckily, if we're not quite up to the challenge, we can cast our burden on the Lord and He'll make up the difference. :)
ReplyDeleteI don't know how I did it, but somehow WAY deep in the setting controls (I had to do LOTS of googling to find it) I had "can not comment and hide existing comments". I started going indivually to each post and changing the setting there (when you are in the drafting screen at the left bottom of the text box there is an "Post options" link and it has a way to change it to show comments") but after 4 posts I was tired of it so I googled how to change them all and it took like 10 minutes to find it and it was buried deep in options like under 7 different tabs but I finally found it and changed it to show all comments, and I changed the setting back to embedded below post.
ReplyDelete*I also believe that happiness is a choice but I felt like because Kyle wasn't happy, and he blamed it on me, then I didn't deserve to be happy until I could make him happy. Which I know is totally twisted and why I go to therapy! I had finally made the decision to be happy and put Kyle's happiness on him, as his responsibility, and I was taking all the steps to be happy and was even actually happy. I was quitting smoking so I could get my patriarchal blessing, I was focusing on living the gospel better and had set my eyes on the temple. Every time I get to this point is when Satan comes full force. I have told you most everything that has happened, first Kyle, then one mother, then the other...Satan uses my family against me because he knows that is my weakness. One mother suggested that since the church is a hot point in our relationship, maybe I should step away for a while and stop going on Sundays, and going to activities. She said maybe find a "normal" church that Kyle might agree to go to until we get better and then maybe re-visit it...I was like "WHAT??? I am not "visiting" my church, I have made a life long dedication to it and stopping going to church would be the worst possible thing that I could do! It would hurt our relationship, me personally and our children! I know the truth and I could never deny what I know. My children deserve to be taught the gospel so they can know one day too! Part of this post was directed at Kyle but most was about Satan using my family.
You're so funny! I did NOT write that blog at 2:30am. I do my design team posts ahead of time and post date them so that they publish on time with GMT--they're all set up in England, and so I have to get them out around midnight. Thanks for telling me it posted at 2:30am--now I know I need to change my post time! :)
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