Still not alone :-)

I am starting to realize that sometimes the things that to anyone else may seem like normal house hold duties, to me, can be completely overwhelming.  Things that I , as a stay at home mom and house wife, should be able to handle alone, I struggle with.  I find myself getting overwhelmed and then depressed and ultimately questioning my self worth.  Coming to this realization and being able to consciously recognize when I get to this point has really been a blessing. It has allowed me to stop, breath, look at the situation from the outside of the box and then address the issue.

So for example, lets say one day I wake up and walk into my living room only to realize that it is a  disaster! I am not talking about your normal, everyday, run of the mill, we have kids disaster but a literal disaster. Trash, clothes, toys, couch cushions everywhere (and while this doesn't happen very often, my children are capable of making this sizable of a mess in a fairly short amount of unsupervised time...like 5 minutes!) It may be that the kids were unsupervised for a few minutes and made this mess, or maybe I was sick and these messes accumulated over several days time, or maybe we were just super busy running in and out of the house and trying to squeeze in a little housework here and there.  It doesn't matter how the house got this state. All that matters is, it is in this state and now I have to address the issue.

So I walk into the living room and can immediately see a dozen ways my children could get hurt. My mind then plays out all these scenarios in graphic details. They all have the same ending...someone gets hurt, I have to call 911, the paramedics see the state of my house (which in reality isn't as bad I think it is) and calls CPS on me and they come and take my kids away from.  No matter what I try to do to shake this thought out of my head, I can't. I honestly just can't shake that thought.  So, once I have allowed myself to emotionally  beat me to a pulp, I react in 1 of 2 ways.

Reaction #1- This is the far less used reaction.  In this reaction, I walk in to the room and think to my self "What is wrong with me? How can I let this happen? I have to do something about it"  Then I letter my ADD kick in and I hyper-focus on the living room. So instead of just picking up the living room and maybe vacuuming, I will deep clean it. I'm talking remove all the couch cushions and clean out ever crack and nook, organize everything on the computer desk right down  to the paper clips by color, alphabetize the cd-roms, etc...  While normally, say every couple of months, cleaning like this wouldn't be a big deal and it would probably be helpful.  But in this case it is quite the opposite because no sooner than I finish this cleaning and I am feeling great, the kids run through and make some sort of a minor mess which in my mind is a complete disaster again! Then  I have lost my patience and I take it out on the kids by screaming at them or by taking their toys away so they can't make any messes. To me that just isn't fair. I can't punish my kids for making a mess before they even make the mess. You know what I mean?

Reactions #2- This isn't so much of a reaction as a cop out.  I walk int the room. Think "What is wrong with me? How could I let this happen?"  "I don't deserve my kids" "Maybe I should just leave it and then someone can call CPS on me or my husband will divorce me.  Maybe I deserve this, maybe I deserve to be miserable all the time.  So I let myself mentally and emotionally abuse myself to the point where I think maybe it would just be easier on my kids and family if I just killed myself.  Then my kids could live their lives without having to deal my depression, anxiety and anger.  Kyle could raise them and everyone else would be happier.  Now, I have never actually contemplated suicide, I have never thought about how or when I would do it, but I have that about thinking about it...Does that make sense? I have thought, maybe if I could just do it, then everyone else would be so much better off.

Now, I know I don't really want to kill myself. I know that I love my kids and that I am a good mother. (Or at least I am capable of being a good mother). I know that my husband loves me and doesn't want me to go off myself.  I know that Jesus loves me and through his tender Mercy and the atonement I can have faith enough to try and heal and move on. But there are days when I feel like trying to find that faith is just too much work. Days when scripture study or prayer seem more like a chore than a blessing, I have a hard time feeling the spirit like I used to. When I first joined the church I could constantly feel the spirit, anytime I opened my scriptures, said a prayer, was in Sacrament meeting, did a service project, but now I feel like my depression is serving as a sort of filter for the spirit and it just isn't getting through like it should.

ANYWAY,

I am a firm believer that Heavenly Father answers prayers through people.Meaning when I prayed the night before and asked for relief from this stress and struggle, Heavenly Father put it in her heart to help me. Yes I asked her to come over but she didn't have to yes. She didn't have to help me clean, she didn't have to help with my kids, she didn't have to tell me that I was a good mom and a good wife, she didn't have to do any of it but she did. And it was AMAZING!  She listened to me talk almost all day about the stresses I am dealing with from my husbands deployment, from the dog I didn't really ever want,from a misunderstanding between a friend.  She didn't have to, but she did.  She came over and was nothing but encouraging and supportive! I never felt judged or put down by words or actions. It was an intense release to be able to  let go and be so honest with someone and know that they weren't judging me for it. 

So yes ,in this crazy roller coaster ride of emotions that make up my depression I am going to have highs and lows. Some of the lows will be lower than I ever thought possible but in the end it will all work out because I have friends like her.  I have people in my life that are willing to understand and support me without passing judgement and that feels amazing!

So even though, for the last two days my depression has gotten the most of me, it hasn't gotten the best of me.  I am still holding on and I will continue to fight to stay above the negative intrusive thoughts and I will be taking it one day at a time from here on out.