Quitting nicotine, caffeine, fatty foods, and sugar all at once is proving to be a real pain in the butt.  

 

My patience level is at -100% and my poor family if feeling it...I am trying to stay calm and collected but I am literally losing my freaking mind...

 

The only one of those things that is even an option of starting again for the sake of my sanity is smoking...and that is the one I actually quit on my own without being forced...

 

So it's a lose lose situation...

I'm leaving...

WE ARE LEAVING TO GO PICK UP KYLE!!!!!

Spoke to his supervisor this morning and he said they hadn't heard anything about any delays so they most likely will be here on time!!  They are working on the base flight line still so worst case scenario is they will get diverted to another air port in Wichita!!!

YEAH!!! So glad I didn't have to explain to Ashlynn that he Daddy wouldn't be here today!!

Well, here we go! See you in a couple of days! Stay warm until then! And please drive safely and carefully!

My last week!

Let me start with a little back ground info first...

For the last 18 months or so I would get this weird stomach pains on and off.  I had no idea what they were but the best I could describe them was it felt like I had pulled a muscle in my diaphragm or it felt like someone had shoved there fist behind my ribs.  The pain was in the core or my body, up until this last weekend, I could rub it and it didn't hurt at all. This feeling would strike at any time of day but most commonly hit at bed time or during the night.  I would wake up in the middle of the night in so much pain I would be crying and have to wake up Kyle.  He would rub my back, I would hug the heating pad or ice pack depending on my body temp and cry until I just passed out from exhaustion. Sometimes it would be accompanied by a sudden high fever that passed as fast as it came!  With in minutes I would go from feeling fine to having 104* fever and being in intense pain!  The pain would last anywhere from a twinge (In the beginning, after Konner was born) to as long as 3-4 hours (towards the end).  Kyle convinced me that I was over exaggerating and it was just a pulled muscle so I never went to the Dr. for it.  (In all fairness, it wasn't Kyle's fault I waited so long to go to the Dr.  Yes he discouraged it but I chose not to go and I didn't do any research to find out what it could be!! If I had known it could have possibly been what it was, I would have definitely gone to the Dr. ASAP...to avoid what happened these last fee days!)

So, now lets jump forward to the last month or so.  I started having random symptoms, such as, "laziness" (Which was from the condition), I just thought I was at the end of the deployment and I was at the end of my rope, stressed out and just done being a single parent. It wasn't really laziness though, I could get up and work for 15-20 minutes and then I would feel exhausted.  So I could get up and go just not for long.  I was having trouble eating and drinking. When I got to the ER I had to have 2 complete bags of fluids before I could give a urine sample. 2 whole bags!!!  I  was super dehydrated! Plus, my white blood count was SUPER low, which was what was causing the exhaustion!

Saturday February 4,2012

Around 4:00p.m. I started having those same pains.  I tried the heating pad, ice packs, a million different positions, and Excedrin.  I tried all these things until 7 when it was time to put the kids to bed.  I tried really hard to stay strong when the kids were around but by bedtime I had already cried in front of them.  I got them into bed and got in the bath tub. I thought maybe soaking in warm water would help...it didn't! So I tried cold water...it didn't help either.  Then I called a friend from church and asked her to come take me to the ER and see if her husband would stay with my kids because they were sleeping already.  Breeana showed up like 7:30 and drove me to the ER. As soon as I told the Dr. my symptoms, she knew immediately that it was my gallbladder.  She wanted to do an ultrasound but she was pretty positive because the symptoms were so text book.

So, 3 hours and an ultrasound later I was checked into the hospital.  The ultrasound revealed AT LEAST 8 stones (ended up being 12! One the size of a QUARTER!!!) and my gallbladder was so infected and inflamed that it was twice the normal size!  They checked me in and got me on some hard core pain meds...they made me a little light-headed and loopy and then I slept...A LOT!!!

On Sunday morning they order another test.  I had to lay under an MRI machine while they pumped radio active die into my blood and watched it process through my body to see how my gallbladder was functioning.  There were 3 possible outcomes. 1- it would collect in there and slowly drain out (slowly drain because of the stones). 2- The stones would block it in and all the die would pool up in there and get stuck.  (I am soooo glad this wasn't what was wrong with mine, if that happens, they have to force it to spasm so it will empty before it ruptured!  The spasm pain is what brought me into the ER in the first place, pain so back I could barely move, I was sweating and shaking as well!) and 3- It wouldn't show up at all...which means that the gallbladder is completely diseased and basically dead.

Now, there were 2 really bad things about this test. 1- you couldn't have pain meds for 4 hours prior to or during the test because it could interfere with the results. and 2- laying flat on my back was the MOST painful position to be in!!
The test lasted for 2 1/2 hours...of  no pain meds and laying on my back!!  The test went in 30 minute segments. So he would watch the MRI for 30 minutes, then I would get 2-3 minutes to roll onto my side, deep breath and try to relax a little bit...it was like being at the end of natural labor and you only have 2-3 minutes between contractions...it is pretty much impossible to relax in that short amount of time but at least the pain decreased (not by much but a little was better than nothing).  By the last 30 minutes I was crying...and trying to hold still...it was like torture! Luckily the tech watching the MRI called my nurse about 5 minutes before the test was over and she came up and literally the second the test was over she gave me some IV pain meds!  I had to be lifted off the table and back into my wheel chair!

Well, my results were #3.  It was so long gone the contrast didn't show up at all. That meant IMMEDIATE removal! This test happened Sunday afternoon and the surgery was at 8am Monday.

This whole process was very hard.  Kyle was still deployed and other people were having to care for my kids and dog!  Luckily I have an AMAZING church family who stepped right up! They even came in and cleaned up my house! One of them even cleaned out my car!!!

On Monday morning my Mom and older sister, Sarah, came up to be with me.  Because the surgery was so early they got there after I had already gone into pre-op but it was comforting to know they would be waiting when I came out.  The surgeon even came and told me when they checked in to the waiting room!  Which was right as I was going into the OR. 

Going into the OR was the most terrifying thing I have ever done.  I have had a C-section but that was different. It wasn't as much of a shock as this unexpected surgery was and Kyle was with me that time.  When they got me into the OR, the table was TINY!! I was so surprised at how small the table was.  I couldn't even put my arms at my side!!!  I was okay until they strapped my arms down at my sides...which they did for my C-section too...but these circumstance's were WAY different!!  I started to panic.  Then the nurse placed this metal frame thing next to my head that held a gas mask.  I started having a panic attack.  They couldn't give me pain meds until I calmed down.  It took about 15 minutes to get me calmed down.  The nurses were all talking to me, trying to get me to breathe slower, one of them even prayed with me!  They also were giving me oxygen.  Once I had calmed down they gave me an iv med that they said "will make you feel drowsy but won't make you fall asleep".  It hit me like a brick wall.  I was finally able to untense my body. The anestesiologist introduced himself and said he would walk me through the process.  I told him definitely not too! Then I would start panicing again waiting for it! I told him I was already calm so I just wanted to breathe and then wake up later.  He respected my wishes and the next thing I knew, I was coming around in the recovery room!!!

They had to intibate me during the surgery.  They took it out before I came around though so I was never aware of the actual tube...but man could I tell it had been there! When I first woke up I immediately started coughing!!  The nurse brought me some water but it took about 20 minutes to stop.  Luckily I was still semi-sedated because coughing still hurts, I can't imagine what it would have felt like then!!!   Also, I had just quite smoking a week earlier so my throat was already a little roughed up.  My throat was raw and sore for about 2 days and my voice was hoarse for about a day.

After I had been awake for 30 minutes in recovery and I had answered a million questions, they said I could go back to my room. I immediately asked about my mom and sister.  We walked past the waiting room on our way out and they got to escort me back to my room! They brought me lots of entertainment and stuff to read!  They stayed with me for a couple of hours to comfort me and support me.  Since Kyle was gone I was feeling really alone.

After they left the hospital, they picked up my kids from the sitter and took them back to Oklahoma, so I could recover at home.  None of them could stay up here for a week but between everyone there, they could cover the kids for the week.  It was the longest week of my life!!!

I came home wednesday afternoon.  I was on Percocet for the pain and I basically laid in bed for 2 hours with a heating pad on my stomach, then walked around for 10 minutes. repeat until bed time.  I slept better than I thought I would! The dr. said if I was tired to sleep...no matter what time it was! Sleep=healing!

By Friday, I wasn't as sore, and I could get out of bed for longer amounts of time.  On Friday night I decided I was going to go down to Oklahoma for the weekend because Kyle's return Sunday night had been pushed back to Monday.  So Friday night I did some driving just to see how it felt and it was fine. The hardest part was reaching around for my seat belt!  So Saturday morning, I got up, talked to Kyle, packed my bags and went to Oklahoma.  I didn't tell the kids I was coming, and neither did my parents so they were super excited! Especially Ashlynn. I had to remind her of my boo-boo's but she just kept hugging me and telling me she loved and missed me.  She was glued to my side for about 24 hours straight!!!  We ended up coming home this afternoon instead of tomorrow morning because there is a nasty storm!  We are looking at about 3 inches of snow so far and some dangerous road conditions!! Kyle called earlier and said he isn't sure yet but they may get delayed or diverted because of the weather :-(  I really hope he makes it at least some time tomorrow!! I will be sad if he doesn't but Ashlynn will be devestated! It was harder to put her to bed tonight than it was on Christmas eve!

Okay, well I wrote this post because I couldn't sleep but it is 2am and I am going to get up at 7 to shower and get all pretty...just incase he still gets in at 9! I am going to call his work around 8:30 to see if they know yet! I don't want to drive all the way there in bad weather if he isn't even going to be there!!!  So I love you all and I will probably be taking a little digital break once Kyle gets home! I promise I will be back though...eventually!

To be happy or not to be happy? Why is that ever a question?

Why is it that people feel the need to tear other people down instead of lift them up????

You don't have to agree with my faith.  You don't have to agree with what I'm saying.  You don't have to agree with the way I am feeling.  You also don't have to tear me down EVERY SINGLE TIME I START TO GET HAPPY!!!! 

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Why do people think that if they aren't happy  they have to make sure no one else is?  Why can't they see that I am happy and ask me how I got that happy?  Maybe I could help them be that happy too.  

PLEASE don't just tell me what you think I want to hear, to make me happy in the moment and give me hope, just to turn around and say f*** it and tear me down later.  You don't have to believe in my church.  You don't have to believe in the priesthood.  You don't have to believe in reading scriptures or saying prayers.  I am not forcing you to believe that.  Why when you can see that I am clearly happier than I have been in a VERY long time do you feel the need to tell me that I don't need my church. I don't need to have home teachers.  I don't need to believe in the priesthood to be happy.  I don't need to believe in anything to be happy.

Most of all, don't tell me that you are willing to try and find Christ and then tell me that you don't need faith or a foundation because you are perfectly happy being who you are right now. 

If that is true then good for you but I'm not happy living like this.  I was taking the steps to be happy and I was actually happy so why would you want to take that away from me? Why would you want to make me unhappy because you don't want to be happy?

I put my heart out on the line and put myself in a very vulnerable place because you said you wanted to be happy too but instead of even trying, instead of even trying for more than 3 days, you stomped all over it so I would be as unhappy as you are.

Plus you did all this after I covered up for you with other people.  I lied to people I care about to protect you because I thought this is what you wanted too. To be happy. But I guess I was wrong.  

Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.

My heart is breaking. I went from being happier than I have been in years to the lowest I have felt in years, in a matter of one conversation. 

I wasn't lost for the first time in years, I had found the rod and was holding tight.  I was happy and was trying to show you where it was but instead of letting me lift you up and show you the way, you tore me down so  I could be just as unhappy as you.

I can't do this anymore...ever again.  This is your last chance.  If you don't want to be happy then that is on you, but I refuse to let you make me unhappy so you can pretend that you are actually happy.  I refuse to let my children watch me suffer any longer.  I don't want them to grow up thinking they can't be happy or that they don't deserve to be happy because they aren't perfect.

They don't have to be perfect and neither do I.  My savior Jesus Christ was perfect for me.  He was so perfect that he gave his life so I could be happy.  He gave his life so that YOU could be happy.   If you don't want to see that then I am so sorry.  I will be praying for you.  I am choosing to lean on my savior to be happy.  I am choosing to rely on my Heavenly Father to be happy.  If you don't want to do that then fine.  But I refuse to let you stop me from doing it.  

Even though you don't think you need them and you don't love them back, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you more than you could ever imagine.  Their hearts are breaking too.  Their hearts are breaking because they don't want to see you unhappy either. Just like my heart is breaking to see you so unhappy.  

I can't make you be happy.  Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ can't force you to be happy either.  They loved us so much they gave us free will so that we could choose whether to be happy or not.  So that we could make mistakes and learn from them and grow and progress.  Just like I allow Ashlynn to make some mistakes and then I show her how to learn from them.  

So this is your last chance.  You need to decide if you really want to be happy or not.  If you decide that you already are happy then good for you and move on but don't make me regret trusting you again.  Don't make me regret wanting you to be happy.  I am trying my hardest to make you happy and show you how you can be happy but if you aren't willing to listen and try to be happy and you have already made up your mind then tell me now because I can't make become unhappy so you can pretend that you are really happy.

I want to be known as a "Mother who knew"

This is a basic telling of my testimony.  For those of you who are members of The Church, you will understand the orange words.  For those of you who are not members but still would like to hear a little about my testimony in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, I have made a few notes to explain things you may not understand. Those are the purple words!  Anyway, I have had a pretty amazing week and  I felt like I needed to get some of my testimony down on paper before I let it slip away again! I hope you enjoy and as always, thanks for reading!



When I first started investigating my church, (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) My missionaries gave me a copy of the October 2007 General Conference Ensign (The Ensign, is a monthly publiction my church does. It is just like any other magazine, only all the articles are wholesome, uplifting, and educational. We also have "The Friend" which is the same thing but for children and the "New Era" which is for young aduls.)( Twice a year all the leaders in our church get together and have a general conference.  This is where we all substain the leaders of the church (substaining is basically like voting), the Mormon Tabernacle Choir performs hymns and all the leaders give "talks" which to protastants would be similar to sermons.)I didn't know a whole lot about the church yet but she wanted me to read and see how it made me feel.  She knew I wouldn't understand everything in it and I could always ask questions but she wanted me to see if I would feel the spirit when I was learning from it.  So I decided to give it a shot and I came across this article.

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/mothers-who-know?lang=eng&query=mothers+know

I knew after I read it that I WANTED TO BE A MOTHER WHO KNEW!  I didn't have a testimony yet but I knew that if developing my testimony would make me a mother who knew, then that is what I wanted to do.  My missionaries always told me that I was special because I was so open to the gospel (This is referring to the renewed Gospel- including the old and new testament, The Book of Mormon, The Doctrine and Convenants and The Pearl of Great Price) and I so willingly accepted it.  I didn't see it then but I see it now.  Even when I started to develop a testimony and I knew I didn't know hardly anything yet but I did know that it felt right and that the spirit was guiding me to it so I was going to accept that the Spirit had witnessed to me of the truthfulness of the church and I would learn as I go.  Even though I didn't know everything yet, I knew it didn't matter what else they would tell me because I already knew it was true and I would believe it!!! I knew that I could be happy no matter what. 

The week before my baptism was like hell on Earth.  Everything that could go wrong, went wrong.  Car troubles, bill troubles, sicknesses, fights with my husband, EVERYTHING!! And I am so blessed because I knew it was Satan attacking me.  It was Satan trying to stop me from being happy!  My missionaries told me I must have been really strong in the premortal World  and said "You find a way to show it to me and I will accept it no matter what". 
(The premortal world is where we, as Mormons, believe we lived with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ before we agreed to come to Earth and have a chance to get a body and learn and progreess through life.)Now I believe it.  My missionaries told me that when some converts get ready to be baptized and all the bad things start happening, they take it as a sign from Heavenly Father that they shouldn't do it.  I was SHOCKED!!!  I never once doubted it. I never once thought it was Heavenly Father making all those bad things happen!!!!  So I guess the missionaries were right and I told Christ as a spirit that I would accept it no matter what. 

Throughout my 3 1/2 years in the church, I have gone through some of the biggest trials of my life and you know what???  I still didn't lose my testimony.  For that I am so grateful!  I have had some absolutely horrible trials over the last week and now that I am on the other side I can see that Heavenly Father and the spirit were with me the whole time.  For years I have been praying for Heavenly Father to deal with a certain situation, for him to send someone to help, for him to show the other person the way and this last week I finally realized that Heavenly Father had been answering my prayers from the beginning and I was just holding myself back spiritually.  There was a situation with Kyle that was making both of us unhappy and I thought that I could just try to hold tight to the rod and he would find it eventually too.  I thought that Heavenly Father would show him the way or send someone that would show him the way.  You know what I learned this week???  HEAVENLY FATHER ALREADY SENT KYLE THE HELP HE NEEDS!!! He sent Kyle his helpmeet, his partner,his companion and his friend to help him. Heavenly Father sent ME to help him and show him the way. 

I was so caught up in holding myself back because I was afraid to get too far ahead of Kyle.  I didn't want to feel like I had left him behind.  I know now that it doesn't matter where we are on the ladder of life.  We are all trying to climb this ladder that leads to exultation (We believe exultation is the ultimate goal of all Heavenly Father's children)and in the end we will all be there together, but right now, we CAN be on different levels.  If I get to the point on the ladder where I am ready to go to the Temple before Kyle gets there, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong.  It doesn't mean I abandoned him or left him behind.  It doesn't mean that I cared more about myself than him. It doesn't mean that I am a better person that him.  It only means that I am a faster learner.  Nothing more than that.  
(The Temple is where we go to make sacred convanents with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  Every one recieves endowments, which are basically a deepening of eternal promise you made to Heavenly Father when you were baptised. When young men turn 19 they recieve their endowments in the temole before they prepare to serve a full time 2 year mission, females do the same at 21 if they are not already married.  Couples who marry in the temple before they serve missions will go to the temple together. They will first take out individual endowments, then they will be sealed together for time and all eternity as husband and wife.  If the couple already has children, the children come to the temple and are sealed to them too. Any children born after the temple ceromony are born into the convenant and therefor already sealed to their parents) 

It has been such a huge relief after all the emotional turmoil has come to light in the last week for me to feel all these things again.  I was convinced that I had lost sight of the spirit because of my depression, I felt like the depression had shut off the lights and that is why I felt like I was grappling around in the dark trying to find the rod again.(The rod is a Book of Mormon reference similar to the oil lamp in the dark of the bible)  I realize now that depression didn't turn off the lights, I closed my eyes because I was depressed. Does that make sense?

I know that my Heavenly Father Loves me and that Jesus Christ is my Savior and he loved me so much that he paid the ultimate cost and gave His life for mine!!!!  Isn't that AMAZING!!!! I know that this is the true church of Christ.  I know that we have a living prophet on the Earth today. I know that the Book of Mormon is true and is in fact another testament of Jesus Christ.  I know that one day Kyle and I will be able to go to the Temple together so that we can be sealed together with our children for time and all eternity. and you know what????  I CAN'T WAIT TO SPEND THE REST OF FOREVER WITH MY FAMILY!!!

I love you all so very much and I appreciate your support in my journey more than I ever could put into words and I am promising to try my best to pay it back 10 fold in service to others.  I hope you have enjoyed hearing this story and that you love the article as much as I do!!