I'm not alone...

So, as many of you know, I have struggled with depression on and off ever since the birth of my first child a little over 5 years ago.  I have been treated several times with different types of anti-depressants and ADD meds.  I am currently going on 10 months with no anti-depressents. I like to think that since I am not taking meds and I can get out of bed then I must not be depressed anymore.  However, a few days ago I came across a blog called "depressed (not unhappy) Mormon Mommy" (http://butnotunhappy.blogspot.com/) and I have begun to realize that my depression may never fully go away.  I was worried that since I wasn't "sad" all the time but sometimes I would have negative thoughts, that there was something wrong with me. I thought I was a wierdo and that no one could possibly understand how I was feeling or what I was thinking.  But this woman and I have so much in common it is crazy. Thanks to her blog I have also been connected to several other websites and blogs that deal with depression, woman with depression and LDS woman with depression. 

I am so relieved to find these resources. It is amazing to not feel like I am a freak and that there are people who understand me.  There are peope who have the same struggles as me. There are people who have learned ways to cope with some aspects of depression.

People in general have this idea of what depression looks like. It is a person that is sad and mopey all the time, probably doesn't take care of them selves and maybe sleeps alot and doesn't want to talk to people. Well, yes, some depressed people meet that criteria but then there are people like me and the other not unhappy depressed mommy.  I am not sad all the time, I can laugh and play with my kids, I can do something I enjoy and have fun, I can excercise without feeling like I have lead feet.  But I still have problems with depression. I still have negative thoughts. I still question my self worth daily, I question wether or not I am a good mother and wife, a good person, a good Mormon?  I struggle with feeling like I don't have enough faith to get me through this.

I was once told by someone that if I was truely converted to the church and had true faith in Christ and the Atonement then I could just will myself to be better...

but that isn't how it works.

Yes having faith and understanding the atonement will go a long way in this struggle but it can't make it disappear.  I don't think anything will ever make it fully disappear but I know that there are ways to cope with it and to get on with my life. I have Major Depressive Diorder and that will never change but I AM capable of being happy, it is just harder for me than it is for people without depression. 

I guess you are wondering why I am sharing this with you today. Well, I am sharing this because I have decided to become more open and honest with myself and my friends as I navigate my way through my husband's deployment, a new year, deciding wether or not to go to the temple, and wether or not to start going to therapy again. I have been referred by my Bishop to an LDS counselor that has a private practice here in Wichita. I am trying to  get a referral to meet with her at least once so I can see where I am at and what I can work on. I am hoping that by using this blog as a journal I will be able to help heal my depression and hopefully I can help someone out there that is going through the same things I am.

Thank you all for reading this and for your support. I love you all and I appreciate and value your friendships more than I could ever express in words.

CAUTION: Enter at own risk

This sign should be hanging on my front door.  It has been a wild, crazy and disgusting night/morning in the Lee house. Ashlynn has had some sort of stomach bug that has resulted in 2 changes of bed sheets and now she is wearing pull-ups (to save me some laundry and her some embarrassment).

Because of this sickness we were unable to go to church this morning.  I am feeling very discouraged about my resolution to prepare for the temple this year. How am I supposed to prepare to go to the temple when I can't even manage to make it to church?  I am trying to stay positive but I fell like this is Satan attacking my family.  When I decided to get baptized the same things happened, all heck broke loose in my life.  If it could go wrong, it did.  Now with planning to go to the temple, and Kyle being gone it is starting all over again.  I realize that I am vulnerable but I am trying so hard to not be. I guess the only thing I can do for now is pray. I would appreciate your prayers too. I know we will get over whatever this bug is but I am afraid of what will be on the other side of it...

Preparing....

This is the Oklahoma City Temple of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

One of my resolutions if to be worthy of the temple in 2012.  This temple is the one closest to me so it will be the one that I go to.  

When I was baptized 3 1/2 years ago I had my heart set on the temple but I was going to wait until Kyle could go with me.  I feel truly moved by the Spirit to start preparing for the temple now.  Going without Kyle isn't the ideal way I imagined going to the temple but I feel that I need to do this for me.  I have been praying about it and I think that now is the time. There are a few things I need to do first.  I am going to start with quitting smoking. I am a strong woman and I don't need to be dependent on anything, especially something that is so bad for my health.  Along with that I am going to work harder to follow the word of wisdom more closely (eat meat sparingly, lots of fruits and veggies, and whole grains). I already don't drink coffee, tea, or alcohol so that won't be a problem.   I just feel like I need to be a better person. I know that I am not a bad person, but I feel there is room for improvement!  

I have set aside 90 minutes everyday while Ashlynn is at school and Konner naps, to study my scriptures, ponder them and pray.  I would also like to receive my Patriarchal Blessing first.  Sometime soon.  I also want to simplify my life. I have been looking at my life and I can see how worldly I have become and I know that I can find ways to glorify the Lord in my life more often. Spend less money on things that don't really matter and do more service for others.  

I am so excited to start this journey and I am so blessed to have support from all of you. This is the year for a better me. This is the year for a more righteous me. 

I love you all!


I am editing this to make a note.  It is Sunday January 15,2012 and just now I showed Konner this picture and he said "temple".  I have showed him pictures of temples before and we have had FHE about the temple, I have also just shared stories and talked about the temple with the kids.  He has never said it before but I always point at the picture and say "Temple. Temple. I love to see the temple. So beautiful. Temple."  So I guess he just finally caught on to it!! Anyway, it was adorable and melted my heart. I wanted to make note of it so I would remember!

Bring on 2012

Konner being adorable on Christmas morning! Enjoying his first chocolate coin!

Ashlynn on Christmas morning!

So 2012 is here and I am ready to start a new year and turn over a new leaf.  I was able to keep a resolution from last year so I am super excited to stick with my resolutions this year!  So, here is a list of my resolutions...in no particular order...

1) Lose XXlbs...(Yeah...I'm not telling you that #)

2) Exercise 5 days a week.

3) Read Scriptures everyday. I have a chart to read all of the standard works in 1 year...hopefully with the support of my bestie Breeana we can stick it out together!

4) Find more opportunities to serve others (and have Ashlynn help with service projects)

5) Share my testimony of the renewed gospel more openly with more people.

6) Blog at least once a week!

7) Go to the Temple.

8) KEEP MY RESOLUTIONS! *Yes I am resolving to keep my resolutions!

Normally I don't make very many resolutions because I feel like I am setting myself up for failure but with the keeping of last years, I am very optimistic about keeping these!  I have a great support system here and I have many friends that are helping me with different resolutions so hopefully with support and someone to lean on it will all work out! And lets hope that our life is interesting enough to have weekly blogs worth reading!

Thanks for reading! I love you all!

 

 

I'm back! Hopefully... :-)

Ashlynn Jean, 4 years 9 months,  Konner Andrew, 1 year 11 months.

It's been a while, I know.  I promise I will try to stick with it this time!  Now that Ashlynn is in school a have some free and quiet time EVERY day so I should be able to fit in a few blogs here and there!  To say that not a lot was going on around here would be a complete lie!! Our life has gotten crazy!  The kids are VERY active, Ashlynn has started school and we are finally getting settled into our new home!  We love our new home and we are liking Kansas a lot more than was expected!  When we lost our assignment to Germany and got Kansas instead we thought it was the end of the world! LOL!! But it really hasn't been too bad! We like the town we live in and have made some great friends!  I have been attending church regularly and have met some really wonderful ladies! Luckily I had a friend from Okinawa that was already here and she made the transition much easier! She fed us when we were in the hotel and she is a friend from church so she showed me where the church was and introduced me to everyone!   

Ashlynn is doing great!  She started Pre-K  3 weeks ago and she is loving it!  She comes home everyday and tells me all about the things that she learns and she has made lots of friends!  She is so smart!   She came home the other day and recited the Pledge of Allegiance! I was amazed! I didn't even know they said it anymore! Kyle couldn't have been more proud!  Ashlynn's favorite thing to do is go to Sunday School (Primary)! She looks forward to it all week and she loves to tell me what she learned about and to try and teach her Daddy about Jesus.  She also likes to tell him that he "has to take Mommy to the Temple".   She loves Jesus and Heavenly Father and she loves to tell people about! She like to tell Konner about it too! We have lots of little Bible/Book of Mormon story books and even though she can't read them she remembers the stories from the pictures and tries to teach them to Konner. She is such a great big sister. She has her moments of jealousy over attention or sharing toys but most of the time she is very caring, loving and protective of him!  She also loves Zoey!  She is responsible for feeding/watering her everyday and does great with remembering!  She wants to walk her on the leash but she doesn't understand that Zoey wants to go for a walk and not a "drag"!!

Konner is doing great! He is growing so fast! He will be 2 in about a month and I can't believe it! He is very big for his age! Tall and heavy!  He still isn't talking very much, maybe about 15 words but his Dr. said it was fine and boys usually talk later than girls (Ashlynn was rambling at 12 months!! And I HONESTLY have NO IDEA where she got that from ;-)   Konner loves to climb...on EVERYTHING!  I constantly have to get him off of the dining room table! He likes to climb on it and swing the chandelier!  He also loves building with his mega blocks (giant lego's) and playing on the swing set! He really loves to go down the slide! As you can see in the picture above, he really likes to spray the hose!  My parents are coming to visit from the 7th-9th so we are going to have his birthday party on the 8th!  I haven't picked a theme yet though! Last year we did Jungle. I am thinking about lego but still haven't decided. 

Miss Zoey Marie is doing great as well.  We have had her for about 2 months now and she has more than doubled in size!  She is a great dog though! She loves the kids and is very protective of them! She get defensive over them if we are just rough housing with them! I am glad that she loves them so much! And they both love her! Sometimes a little too much! She weighs about 20 lbs and Ashlynn tries to carry her around like a baby!  If she stands on her back legs she is taller than Konner!  He doesn't seem to mind though! He likes to wait until she is laying on the ground and then lay on her like a pillow!  She really doesn't mind though!  

 Well, I better get off of here now!  I have some housework to do and my scripture study. Now that Ashlynn is in school from 1-3:30 and Konner naps the whole time I have set aside an hour of it to have Scripture study and prayer time. It has made an amazing difference in my days. If I give Heavenly Father 1 hour of my day, he gives me 23 more in return! Seems like a good deal to me!

Thanks for reading this! I love you all!

Stephanie

Just a little update!

 Ashlynn posing at the ocean!!  She is such a ham now!

 This picture pretty much sums up Ashlynn!

 Ashlynn and her ice cream at the aquarium!

 These are the coolest swings ever! There are two little basket swings and we can sit in it too with them!

 Konner face planted it into the ground at the playground!  He was a trooper though and got up and continued to play!

 When we went to the aquarium we also went to the Tropical Dream Center, which is basically a whole bunch of big green houses and outdoor gardens full of tropical plants and trees! Everything was starting to bloom and it was beautiful! It also smelled great!

 I have no idea what this flower is but it was cool!

I don't know what these flowers are either but they sure were pretty!

Not alot has been going on around here.  We have been going on weekend trips to try and enjoy the island during out last few weeks here!  It is crazy that we have been here for 4 year already! When we first got here I thought 4 years was going to be an eternity but it sure has flown by!  Most of you have probably heard that we got denied for our medical clearnace to Germany so we are in the process of getting new stateside orders.  We have no idea when we will get them or when we will leave yet and it will probably be a few weeks before we do.  Our DEROS (date to leave the island) is April, so we should be leaving by the end of April, however if it takes too long to get orders we may have to extend here through May to give us time to get our TMO shipments and travel arangements made.  Well, that is about all that has been going on lately! Love and miss you all!

Thanks for reading this! Love you!

Stephanie

just a random update...

Pretty flower at the zoo!

 It is Cherry Blossom season here and I LOVE IT!!!

Giraffe's are my favorite animal and I just LOVE this picture!!!

Kyle fed this osterich an M&M mini...it spit it out!! Guess Ostriches don't like chocolate!!!

Ashlynn and Brodey (our new neighbor)

Konner walking around!

Not alot going on around here! We got some new neighbors and they are great!!! They have a 3 year old son Brodey (pictured above) and a 13 month old daughter Alexis.  The kids all play very well together and we have spending alot of time with them! The pictures above are from last weekend when we took them to our zoo for the first time! Everyone had a blast!

Otherwise there is nothing major going on. Konner is running all over the place and boy is he fast!!! He is also a climber...Ashlynn never really climbed but he climbs on everything!! He can even climb out of his high chair by himself!!!  He is pointing alot and recognizes alot of things! I can say where's the ball and he will point at it.  Ashlynn is just her crazy self!  She is definetely a "free" spirit and she is perfectly happy just doing her own thing alone.  She is so smart, she amazes me everyday with stuff she knows!

Kyle and I are doing good. We have been busy getting ready for Germany! Otherwise nothing major going on! 

Thanks for reading this! I love you all!

Stephanie